I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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