I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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