I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
