So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
