i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
