my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
