i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
