i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
