one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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