Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
