I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
