Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
