Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
