You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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