my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
