i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
