I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
