so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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