We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
