hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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