do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
