Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
