When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
