Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
