Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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