I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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