Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
