I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
