Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
