You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
