Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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