dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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