Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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