the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
