Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
