i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
