I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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