so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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