is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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