the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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