Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
why do cheetos always look like penises
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
