He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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