i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
