There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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