So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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