You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
