i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
