So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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