Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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