And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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