Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
