my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
