i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
