he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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