I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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