went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
