The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
